#selfcare – Liel Bridgford

19 March 2020

Parenting Through a Global Pandemic

CW: COVID-19 and related anxiety.

There would be no reader of this post who isn’t affected by the COVID-19 global pandemic. Such global crisis and uncertain times highlight much of parenting love and angst, all mixed together.

Although it has been reported that young children are less vulnerable to the virus, I’m sure every parent in our community has some level of concern, anxiety or fear. Every parent’s greatest wish for their child is their health and safety, and the idea that a potentially-deadly-no-cure-no-vaccine virus is terrifying.

During the last few days, as health concerns have escalated here in Victoria, my anxiety has escalated with it. No reassurance about low risk groups has reassured me. The apparent lack of update by the government regarding the chance of contraction in the community also seems bizarre and contribute to my worries. I was especially concerned when I met a father whose child has been at home from school due to a confirmed COVID-19 case in her classroom. Instead of isolating, she was playing on our local playground equipment, which my toddler, along with many other children, innocently touches right before rubbing his face. How can the government be so sure this child did not have the virus (asymptomatically) and then passed it on to dozens of children?

I spent many hours the last few days reading and watching the news, even symptom checking. Instead of enjoying my daily outings with my son, I’ve been constantly wondering if I should even take him out of the house, incessantly wiping his hands while lashing out “Don’t touch anything!” as we’re walking. I know I’m not the only one. Although rationally I know none of my immediate family members are in a high-risk group, my anxiety switch has been turned on, and I’m on high alert. These feelings remind me of wars and terrorism periods I experienced growing up – everyone on edge, community life in the shadow of uncontrollable forces.

I am terrified I’ll die from COVID-19 and leave my most precious human behind, to deal with this unstable, unkind (read: lacking toilet paper and rice) world. I worry that we’d end up on the wrong side of statistics, and my child would contract the virus, and dare I write it, even die.

Before I had become a mother, I used to consider myself almost fearless. Looking back, I wasn’t fearless– I definitely would get scared, but I’d be able to avoid those feelings enough or channel adrenaline to do things. I’ve dealt with many challenges growing up, and uncertainty was as an inherit part of my life as a cup of milk. When would operations stop? Would there ever be peace and bombing stop? These were regular contemplations. Now, as a mother, I’m no longer fearless or able to forget about my fear. I am scared about everything when it comes to my child. Amongst other things, I worry about the state of the earth we are leaving for him and his generation, about his health and development, and about my own life so that I don’t leave him. When the threat to life seems so tangible, these anxieties come marching forward.

What I find almost as encompassing as the anxiety for life my child brought into my life, is the joy and mindfulness he brings me every day. The other day, after a day of worry, hand washing and much home-based play, I spent about 20 minutes with my toddler, laughing. He was naked, free and careless as only a child can be right now, and we were looking into each other’s eyes. He was standing on my lap and I pretended to drop him or kissed him or just talked in the ridiculous tone I’ve got he finds hilarious for some reason. My dopamine levels went up immediately and I got absorbed in the game completely. I reflected on how the highs and the lows of parenting are so intrinsically linked, exhausting and wonderful – just like life itself. Being a mother means I have a greater capacity for acute fear but also pure joy, sometimes all at once.

As you and many others around the world may be quarantined and unable to engage in your usual self-care activities, we could all turn to children for ways to find internal peace and joy. If you’re a parent, connecting with your child for a few minutes of uninterrupted play is extremely valuable for you both. If you don’t have children or a small relative you can call over the internet, tuning into our internal child might be key. What did you used to love doing? Drawing, singing, dancing, reading, music? These are all things we can do in our bedroom or living room. Connecting with others (even if electronically) could do so much good to everyone during these tough times.

I wish everyone safe and healthy times ahead.

Until next time,

L. K. Bridgford

P. S. if you have a question for me or a topic you’d like me to write about – reach out by commenting or connecting on social media.

5 August 20195 August 2019

The Power of Silence.

I’m writing this as I’m sitting in my finally quiet livingroom. It is extremely refreshing to hear my own thoughts, or even generate some. Many of us are often scared or get uncomfortable with silence.

In our everyday life, many of us avoid silence, probably because we are scared, anxious, or have negative views about silence. When we are alone in silence, we almost immediately jump to check our phones for notifications, emails, social media, anything to distract us from our silence. We often put on some music, podcast, anything to be playing loudly. Sometimes we need it just to tune down the volume of our thoughts or feelings, sometimes we cannot tolerate a minute of silence without an activity. I’m guilty of this too- I rarely get a chance to sit in silence. But when I’m so lucky to experience it, I savour those silent moments.

We also avoid silence when we are spending time with other people, either in person or over the phone. Many of us attribute silence to having nothing to talk about, tension, boredom, disrespect or disinterest. We jump in to fill in the gap between sentences or words, just to ‘keep the conversation going’. Many of us prefer insincere or superficial conversation to silence.

My view on silence is very different, and here are the reasons I treasure silence rather than shun away from it.

Working in mental health I found silence to be an extremely powerful tool we can all use more often. Sitting in silence with someone means I am giving them space. Providing opportunities to think, process, come up with their own words and ideas, change perspectives. These things won’t happen to any of us without time and space. Silence provides exactly that.

Silence with ourselves gives us time to listen to ourselves. Many of us get stuck in routines, habits and behaviours we don’t actually like or choose, simply because we don’t listen to ourselves. How many times have you eaten or drank something just because it was there, because of a habit, or to alleviate feelings? Sitting in silence provides us a rare opportunity to listen to what our minds and bodies truly desire. My desire and will to start writing again after many years, has sprouted in silence. As I sat in silence I found this truth, which is now an integral part of me.

Silence with other people is powerful both in new and old realtionships. In an existing relationship you can strengthen it by giving an old friend or partner an opportunity to express themselves anew. They can tell you how they are truly feeling or talk about previously unspoken topics. Even without saying a word, sitting together in silence can certainly be a bonding activity. It doesn’t have to be in nature’s serenity. The living room couch or the local café can have a similar effect.

In a new relationship, silence can indicate to the other person you have patience. You don’t need to jump in with suggestions, ideas, solutions to other people’s lives. You can portray yourself (and be of course) a better listener. You can just be with someone. I also think silence can indicate confidence and emotional intelligence, as someone is comfortable enough with waiting before reacting, proving they are not afraid of silence, nor do they need to say everything that comes through their mind. When we give people space, we are respecting them for having a valuable contribution to the discussion that should be heard, and thus expressing that they are valuable humans. Another secret about silence is that it gives you time to observe others, think and be more mindful of your reactions.

Of course we don’t want to over-use silence and not respond at all to other people. It is meaningful when used appropriately, with an empathetic response after the other person has finished saying what they needed to say. For ourselves we also don’t want to sit alone and isolated in silence for too long. The risk of you doing any of these two might not be high, as our society often encourages us to move along and avoid silence, within ourselves, and within our relationships.

So I am challenging you to try silence. To sit in the discomfort of silence for a few minutes and see what happens.

L. K. Bridgford

29 July 201930 July 2019

Why I Choose Kindness (and you should too)

Our modern life is full of stress. The world has always been violent. Life, conflict, and people are all complex and there are rarely easy or straight-forward ways to handle those.

One of the keys to managing it all, I believe, is kindness. I’ll start with an acknowledgement that my thoughts on the topic have been formed through years of vast world travel and reading. In particular, the Buddhist thinking about kindness has had a significant impact on my life. Studying psychology has helped me make sense of why these approaches are so helpful, and how we can incorporate them into our everyday life.

If you’re the kind of person who thinks about how to improve your life, you may find kindness helpful. Here is why I choose kindness, and why I believe you should too.

Self-kindness or self-compassion are extremely helpful tools in our materialistic, capitalistic society. I don’t know about you, but I grew up in an environment that puts individual success at a very high value, almost the highest value of all. With this pressure to achieve and perform, comes a pressure to criticise oneself as means for improvement. I was also blessed with a perfectionist personality trait, and in combination these lead to pretty self-destructive ways of thinking. Feelings that I’m not doing enough, or thinking that I’m not good enough, smart enough or fit enough used to be regular experiences. What self-compassion teaches us, is to replace these destructive, painful, and honestly, unhelpful ways of being, with kindness. Being kind to oneself certainly does not mean being slack or lazy. It means treating ourselves with compassion and love. So instead of “I’m not good enough” we can say “I’m doing the best I can in a tough situation”. Another way to explain this is trying to treat ourselves like we would treat our best friend. Would you say to a good friend that they’re stupid or not good enough for failing an exam? Or for not getting into the university course they wanted? Would you love or value them any less? Exactly. So you should give yourself the same treatment. The result of self-kindness is often content and calm, instead of anxiety and shame.

Kindness instead of judgment. We all like to think of ourselves as non-judgemental people. But few of us actually practice being kind to others instead of judging. Judging is a natural tendency a lot of us have (including me!). It’s purpose in our mind is to help us feel better about ourselves (if we judge someone else as comparatively less than us, we feel better about our own life). But the long-term implication of our judgements are substantial. They create alienation, for starter. As soon as you judge another person, they are an object in your mind, rather than an equal, whole-rounded human. We also start thinking in stereotypes and make assumptions about people before we even realised. If you think you’re not guilty of this, notice your thoughts or feelings next time you see someone different to you. A different skin colour, accent, clothes style, language, body shape, disability status, the list goes on. Kindness instead of judgement comes with practice. Instead of judging, send in your mind love and kindness to the other person. Try to think about the things you have in common. Trust me, we are all so much more alike than we’d like to think. If you’re stuck- use the basic assumption that a fellow human will inevitably have similar needs to yours, to be valued, loved, have shelter and clothing, to have purpose in their life, to feel connected. Choosing kindness means you are much more likely to connect with another person rather than alienate them. When we judge, we often feel anxious or isolated, simply because we are busy in our mind judging and comparing. When you practice kindness, you’ll notice feeling much lighter and more connected to another, even if you haven’t said a word!

You can help someone who is suffering without even realising it. So many of us feel too busy to be kind to people we don’t know. What we often forget is that so many people around are going through serious troubles that we are not aware of, and that simple acts of kindness can make a difference. Kindness helps us connect with others who may be suffering, helping both parties feel better. Do you ever stop to think about how many people on your train or on the road are experiencing heartbreak, disability (visible and invisible), serious illness, grieving, caring for a loved one who is physically or mentally ill, dealing with recent or childhood traumas? The list goes on. Choosing kindness means you send love and kindness to those who need it. A quick chat or hello will often do. I have often stopped during my commute to talk to people experiencing homelessness, to have a chat and learn about them. I find these conversations highly rewarding and heartwarming. You can probably come up with many more ideas.

Kindness connects us all. As you may have realised by now, I believe kindness have the potential to connect us. I have witnesses this first hand when travelling to lands in which foreign languages are spoken. People who practice kindness were able to welcome me and connect with me in such a meaningful way, without saying many words.

I strongly believe kindness is the start of our answer. We must practice it, towards ourselves, our neighbours, strangers. We must practice it towards people we may have negative views of. With time, those views are likely to shift, which benefits you, me and our entire society. We can work through many more challenges if we can see the humanity in each other, first and foremost.

This is not to say I am always kind or that I find it easy to do. When I practice though, I am flooded with contented joy.

L. K. Bridgford

16 July 201919 July 2019

Ten things you can do while you commute for a better life

I’ve returned to paid work recently after a while, which means I am commuting again. It takes me almost an hour each way, which involves two trams, or a bus and a tram, or a tram and a train, as well as multiple walking stints. With our growing city (and world), many people commute to work or study each day. If you are one of them, you may find these tips handy.

I try to enjoy my commute as much as I can, and view it as time for myself, for my thoughts, writing or silence, depending on my mood. It can be so easy to complain about our commute (which I do as well!), and so I thought it helpful to think of ways to be positive about it, for my sake as much as yours.

Here are a few things you can try for a happier commute today;

Call a friend you haven’t spoken to in a while. Many of us Melbournians are immigrants, and so may have friends or family overseas. It might be a friend from a few suburbs away who has a different schedule to you. Either way, morning or after work commute is perfect for a catch up (perhaps with a coffee at hand each).
Listen to an interesting and thought-provoking podcast. Like Ladies We Need to Talk, Life Matters, Hand-in-Hand parenting, or the many more out there. It is refreshing to think of something that’s not work or housework for a short while.
Speak to someone next to you on public transport. It doesn’t have to be a D&M, a simple hello will do. It can turn someone else’s morning from a cramped, rushed commute to a friendly warm ride. I bet you’ll be better off too. If you’re driving, try chatting to a colleague you don’t normally do when you get to work instead.
Add physical exercise that suits your abilities. Whether it’s getting off one stop earlier or simply taking a small flight of stairs, adding physical movement to your day will benefit your physical and mental health. You’ll be surprised how many core exercises can be done sitting or standing on the train! Even noticing and correcting your posture is helpful, standing up tall or sitting straighter. Something is better than nothing, always.
Plan your day or even morning– if you can, write down the big tasks you need to get done first (the hardest), or even what you’ll have for dinner. Making your day simpler means less decisions need to be made, which will add more energy into your day.
Add a self-care activity to your week– use the time on your commute to think about what rejuvenates you, what feels good to nurture your soul. For some it’s a dinner with a friend, others reading a favorite book, others a gym session. Whatever it is, schedule it in your calendar and commit to following through. Even knowing you have an hour of self-care ahead in the week can make a daunting week feel worthwhile.
Use social media strategically– instead of scrolling purposelessly through your newsfeed, why not reach out to an old friend or say congratulations to someone’s good news? There’s so many groups out there of support for people dealings with similar experiences, why not join one? If there’s someone or thing (like a page) that makes you feel anxious or low when you see they’re posts, consider unfollowing or unfriending them.
Enjoy the ride– whether it’s on the tram, train or in your car, try to think of your commute as a trip rather than commute. Try to practice mindfulness, noticing the view, the streets, houses, shops, and people around. Practice being grateful for having a job or study to commute to, many people don’t get that opportunity!
Meditate– each of us may have a slightly different definition of meditation. It can be listening to a favourite song, silence or a guided meditation exercise. Research has shown the benefits of mediation for our mental health, and a long commute is the perfect time to practice! Smiling mind is a great free app to try easy meditations you can do anywhere. If you’re driving, maybe focus on mindfulness and keep your eyes open 😉
Nourish yourself– take a healthy snack for the ride so you don’t feel hangry and spread that energy on your way to or at work first thing in the morning.

Here’s to a happier commuting to us all.

L. K. Bridgford