It’s an issue I spend a lot of time contemplating. It is after all, the structure of our society, the lens through which many of us view the world. It is also extremely dangerous, discriminatory and oppressing. That is patriarchy. As a response to a comment about a previous post, I thought it worthy to put forward my thoughts on the topic. Reading powerful books such as Boys Will Be Boys by Clementine Ford helped elaborate my language and knowledge on the issue.
Flashing news! Patriarchy is not only dangerous for women, it is dangerous for us all. You need not look far to find the damages it inflicts upon us. From one woman being killed every week in Australia, rape, to the six males who complete suicide each day in Australia. Being put in boxes because of one’s genitals or gender identity means we are all restricted and get hurt. It must stop.
If you worry about the well-being of our people and want to help this change, here are a few steps you can take today to help end the madness, bring patriarchy down, and ultimately make our community a safer place for everyone.
Stop Saying (and thinking) “Boys Will Be Boys”. They will not. Boys and men are not programmed to be violent, rapist or aggressive, we just allow them to be by making comments such as this, justifying their behaviour. Condemn violent behaviour of all kind, it’s never ok.
Start Nurturing the Emotional Well-Being of Boys in your life. Whether it’s a partner, friend, son or nephew, all our boys need to know their emotional and mental health is important and valid. Talk about it with them, allow and encourage them to be vulnerable, to cry, to hug. Big boys do cry and should cry rather than internalize, drink or commit suicide.
Stop Blaming the Victim– it is so simple. A person’s genitals or gender identity do not dictate they are responsible for being attacked, raped, killed or abused in any way. It doesn’t matter what they wear or say, neither does where they spend their time.
Start Considering Girls and Women as Valuable, rather than objectify them. If you’re thinking ‘Of course I don’t do that’, remember a time you looked at a woman and made internal comments about her body weight or shape? That time you judged another woman’s clothing? That time you said to a 4-year-old how pretty her dress is? These are all examples of objectification of women. We must teach our girls the way they look does not define them and they don’t need a man to be valued and fulfilled. We must teach our boys that girls and women are equal human beings, not objects to be used for one’s pleasures.
Next time you meet a female, don’t comment on her appearance. This applies to girls and women of all ages. If you need help with other things to say, you can try one of the following instead: “How has your morning been?” “What have you been reading lately?” “What’s your favorite TV series/movie?
Use the words Kid, Person, and People, rather than boys, girls, men, women. The English language is fortunate to have these separate, gender-neutral alternatives which respect the person’s decision to identify as they like in regard to gender (not all languages have these options). If you know someone’s pronouns of course that’s respectful to use those.
Be More Curious and Make Less Assumptions– stop assuming or guessing people’s gender identity from the way they look, what they wear, their hairstyle. You can be and often are, wrong. It also does not matter. The person’s interests, likes, beliefs and personality would not be revealed through guessing their gender identity. Female children should not be only gentle and pretty, nor does male children be only aggressive and hyperactive. Females are often go-getters, assertive and loud. That’s normal. Males are often kind, gentle and cuddly. That’s normal.
Demand From and Reward Males and Females Equally. Flashing news! Females are not born with a natural ability to do the washing. It is not “helping” when you’re doing work in your own home. Labour in the home (including housework and child-rearing) is work, at least as demanding as work outside the home, and thus should be shared and rewarded equally. Males and females both have the incredible capacity for learning. Teach every child to take part in the household jobs.
Question, everything. Question why you think a particular colour, occupation or personality attribute belongs to a particular gender or sex. It is all in our society’s perception. A good example from Ford is that some years ago, pink was considered a boyish colour due to its resemblance to red (the colour of blood), whereas blue was a tame colour belonging to girls.
Call It Out– next time someone makes a comment which justify male aggression or objectify females, CALL IT OUT. Say it’s not okay. Any societal change starts with you.
L. K. Bridgford