I’m writing this as I’m sitting in my finally quiet livingroom. It is extremely refreshing to hear my own thoughts, or even generate some. Many of us are often scared or get uncomfortable with silence.
In our everyday life, many of us avoid silence, probably because we are scared, anxious, or have negative views about silence. When we are alone in silence, we almost immediately jump to check our phones for notifications, emails, social media, anything to distract us from our silence. We often put on some music, podcast, anything to be playing loudly. Sometimes we need it just to tune down the volume of our thoughts or feelings, sometimes we cannot tolerate a minute of silence without an activity. I’m guilty of this too- I rarely get a chance to sit in silence. But when I’m so lucky to experience it, I savour those silent moments.
We also avoid silence when we are spending time with other people, either in person or over the phone. Many of us attribute silence to having nothing to talk about, tension, boredom, disrespect or disinterest. We jump in to fill in the gap between sentences or words, just to ‘keep the conversation going’. Many of us prefer insincere or superficial conversation to silence.
My view on silence is very different, and here are the reasons I treasure silence rather than shun away from it.
Working in mental health I found silence to be an extremely powerful tool we can all use more often. Sitting in silence with someone means I am giving them space. Providing opportunities to think, process, come up with their own words and ideas, change perspectives. These things won’t happen to any of us without time and space. Silence provides exactly that.
Silence with ourselves gives us time to listen to ourselves. Many of us get stuck in routines, habits and behaviours we don’t actually like or choose, simply because we don’t listen to ourselves. How many times have you eaten or drank something just because it was there, because of a habit, or to alleviate feelings? Sitting in silence provides us a rare opportunity to listen to what our minds and bodies truly desire. My desire and will to start writing again after many years, has sprouted in silence. As I sat in silence I found this truth, which is now an integral part of me.
Silence with other people is powerful both in new and old realtionships. In an existing relationship you can strengthen it by giving an old friend or partner an opportunity to express themselves anew. They can tell you how they are truly feeling or talk about previously unspoken topics. Even without saying a word, sitting together in silence can certainly be a bonding activity. It doesn’t have to be in nature’s serenity. The living room couch or the local café can have a similar effect.
In a new relationship, silence can indicate to the other person you have patience. You don’t need to jump in with suggestions, ideas, solutions to other people’s lives. You can portray yourself (and be of course) a better listener. You can just be with someone. I also think silence can indicate confidence and emotional intelligence, as someone is comfortable enough with waiting before reacting, proving they are not afraid of silence, nor do they need to say everything that comes through their mind. When we give people space, we are respecting them for having a valuable contribution to the discussion that should be heard, and thus expressing that they are valuable humans. Another secret about silence is that it gives you time to observe others, think and be more mindful of your reactions.
Of course we don’t want to over-use silence and not respond at all to other people. It is meaningful when used appropriately, with an empathetic response after the other person has finished saying what they needed to say. For ourselves we also don’t want to sit alone and isolated in silence for too long. The risk of you doing any of these two might not be high, as our society often encourages us to move along and avoid silence, within ourselves, and within our relationships.
So I am challenging you to try silence. To sit in the discomfort of silence for a few minutes and see what happens.
L. K. Bridgford
